Anatomy Lesson for an EMT

Ever wondered how those shaped cakes come into being? No, not by baking it in pan that you can buy in aisle 4 at Michaels and cover with thousands of frosting stars. In my mind it's an art form. Sculpture. The only kind I'm successful at (shall we discuss my failed attempt at pottery in college, no more clay for me). Here's my most recent cake, an ambulance, along with some step by step shots.

Create a 3-d Plan (a little package design experience does help)
Bake the cake, make the frosting
Arrange the cake into layers and chill
Carve the basic shape
Cover with buttercream (with real butter) and chill
Carve and refine the shape of the buttercream
Cover in fondant, stack and chill
Decorate and deliver


An ambulance cake for Tammy's 50th birthday complete with custom license plates.

My Christmas Miracle

I have just received the greatest gift of the season, the news that HGTV will indeed be airing a holiday special about the workers and decorations of the white house! Do you hear the angels singing? It's on tonight, Christmas Eve at 7pm central. Now, Joan has been downgraded to Genevieve Gorder (her only redeeming quality is that she hails from Minnesota and played the violin as a child) but at least there is hope. Hope in a new beginning. Hope that I can find out the theme of the decorations this year. Hope in knowing that no matter who is inside the house, it can be decorated by volunteers into an amazing Christmas spectacular. Hope for a new tomorrow that isn't dictated by oprah-forced change. Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!

White House Christmas Special

I know, this has nothing to do with my baking, cooking or school. But, as you read on the gingerbread portion of the blog, I love the white house Christmas special normally aired on HGTV. How pissed, and yes I'm using the crude and non-ladylike term again, pissed was I that the show was given to the annoying-president-picking-emotional-ratings-whore-richer-than-god Oprah! Really? Do we really need anything else promoted, chosen, shown or even endorsed by this woman? Wasn't our president enough for her?

She stole, yes stole, the best show of the year from the sweet Joan Steffend and turned it into a bastardization of it's former self. Joan wasn't there to promote her politics, see herself on television or show off her latest weight. She was there to praise the hard work of all the every-day people who worked thousands of hours to make the white house look as good as possible for the holidays. She took pride in the theme, the colors, the tree. She praised the hard work, the hours volunteers donated to hang and fluff garlands and wreaths. And most of all she actually took pride in showing the best of the best, the gingerbread creation that year.

Not Oprah. Noooooo. That is way to simple and base for a woman whose goal in life is manipulating the American public into thinking everything she says in unique, intelligent and the best ever. Oprah showed me two, I repeat two complete decorations in the house. We spent more time petting the dog than looking at the gingerbread house! Did we see the entry way that was adorned with 10 foot tall nutcrackers last year? Nope. Did we see the balcony, wreaths, garland and theme of the hallways and anterooms that can house 10 foot high poinsettia trees? Nope. We walked down a hallway with the First Lady who made mention of the new holiday photographs from administrations past but didn't even bother to do a close up of the wreaths in the window. They were red (but we got a 2 minute diatribe earlier on the playground/habitat that had been constructed on the lawn for the two kids), that's all we got.

We did see the tree in the oval office, after all, Oprah gets to chat with the president. Who better to chat, discuss and influence national decisions than a talk show host whose greatest contribution of the decade was the couch jumping incident of '05. What did we learn, there were dried hydrangeas in the tree, Oprah loved that idea.

We did see the red room, all decorated in cranberries (or so I could guess from the one garland we saw. We did see the tree in the blue room (you know, the main tree that is decorated with ornaments from around the country) and I could only guess at the theme of recycling because all they shared was how they sent out old ornaments from holidays past (money saving you know, after all the Christmas vacation house for the first family in Hawaii is $4000/day, priorities) for people to decoupage for their state, city or reservation. Not cute, they reminded me of the soap we made in Awana for the old people's home when I was 8.

We did see the gingerbread house encased in white chocolate and a little 3 minute spot on it being made. Ok, I'll give her that one. She did show it but made sure to highlight the miniature gumpaste garden & hypo-allergenic dog that made it different this year, cause we all know the First Lady is out weeding and tending that propaganda beauty on a daily basis. Yeah.

All told we saw 10 minutes of decorations and holiday cheer. The first 10 minutes were with the President spewing crap. 10 minutes of decorations, sorta. Then 40 minutes of more crap with the President sitting in the green room... no decorations highlighted. It was all about his politics and agenda. That is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT what this is supposed to be about. Why must Oprah always strip all that is good and holy about being American from us? Why can't she just fly out to California and get her eyebrows waxed instead of stealing my one December joy. Why?

I'm so sad. It's just not the same without Joan. That's my dream job you know, working in the white house. Not for any administration or political agenda but for the house. Keeping something so precious in top shape and well presented. Being able to possibly bake or create something for a dinner in the East Room. And the ultimate, helping decorate this landmark for Christmas. I think my dream is dead. I haven't been this whipped up since the Chinese gymastic olympic uniforms... ugh, don't remind me. Well, happy holidays (cause with Oprah you can't say Christmas) and I wish you all the joy and happiness that Oprah has stolen from me this year.

Not the gumdrop buttons!

The gingerbread house was a hit, the teachers loved it and they decided to put the house out for all to enjoy. This way all the students could enjoy it, smell it and have a little bit of holiday cheer. But all was not well. Who knew what horror would arise... one of the gingerbread men was kidnapped!

Here's one of the last photographs we have of the poor victim (highlighted).


Thank goodness they have a Anoka Police Liaison Officer on staff who could take charge of the investigation and really get to the bottom of the problem. Emails were sent, teachers were questioned, security footage was reviewed. Was it the gingerbread mafia? A disgruntled teacher? A student with aspbergers? After a day of investigation the crime was solved, it was none other than Lord Farquaad torturing yet another gingerbread man in his reign of terror.

Not the gumdrop buttons!

Gingerbread Masterpiece

One of my favorite holiday shows is the yearly tour of the white house showing the decorations and the amazing gingerbread house displayed in the East Room created by the head pastry chef. I just love the detail, design and artistry that is displayed each year... and you know I'm sitting there thinking, I could do that. What is wrong with me that I always say that? But I could you know.

This year I got my first shot at it. Not the White House, can't go for the big dog for my first structure ever. Instead I made a gingerbread replica of Sandburg Middle School in Anoka, Minnesota for the annual holiday luncheon for the teachers. Now, as many of you know, my life has pretty much been a big pile of crap covered in poo since my mom went into the hospital after Thanksgiving. Life, schedules, sleeping and sanity hasn't been real regular (much less existent) and there was a real possibility I wouldn't get this house made. The stars aligned and my baking ability was good enough to get all the parts and pieces measured, designed and baked by the evening before the party. Now all I had to do was assemble all 27 walls, 18 internal structure pieces and 4 roof's to complete the final school.

I'm all about deadlines. I need a deadline to get something done. Well, I had one (it needed to be up in Anoka by 9:30 am on Friday morning). So of course I wouldn't begin this until the evening before, correct? As of 10:30 p.m. on Thursday I started making the royal icing to glue and construct the house. I was going to do it. I had a bet going on completion time, I said 3:30am and Nick said 4:10am. I won, to the minute (and I wasn't even trying!). I made my deadline with 3 hours of sleep to spare.

The next day I got the 40" x 18" x 11" structure out the door, down to the garage, into my car, up to Anoka, out of my car, up the school stairs and into the party room without one, I repeat one broken piece, trip, spill, fall or break! It's a Christmas miracle. The school was complete except for a few gingerbread men that I added courtesy of Lisa and Megan. My first gingerbread house, next stop... food network challenge. It's on.

Time to Make the Donuts

Remember that classic early 80's commercial? Many times I feel just like him getting up at 5 in the morning to go and bake at my internship. I'm working at a production kitchen doing just about anything they tell me, from making marzipan pumpkins (which I rock at) to cutting bars and everything in-between. By far my favorite thing was making boxes, hard to mess that one up and I am an expert at packaging.

However, I did meet my first foe in the kitchen that officially scared me—a 60 quart mixer. Think about how much 60 quarts really is and imagine the bowl to hold that, a small child could take a bath in it. The spatula to scrape the bowl looks like some industrial ice chipper. I was afraid, very afraid. I mean let's face it, I'm a B.O.A.S (that's bit-of-a-spiller) to begin with but add 60 quarts of batter, a beater and a very powerful motor? We're talking high probability of stuff going everywhere. I never did the full lucy and ethel but there was a few incidents where a mop was required. I will not talk of my uniform those days. Classic B.O.A.S.

Well, on Wednesday my time was done. I did my 111 hours of indentured servitude and I am going to one up Donna Martin and graduate. I can't believe this year is over, what a ride it has been. Only a few more weeks and I'll officially graduate and have my $19,000 certificate to prove it.

Under the Sea

It's done. Finally. This piece has been torture for me. It started with the missing coral that needed to be recast. Next, the tree coral with swimming fish decided to take a big fat digger and broke into a hundred pieces. Nothing is going my way on this one.



Finally, finally I got everything repaired and assembled. My lumps and chunks of chocolate were formed into fish, corals, shells and starfish. Photo taken, assignment completed.



The last step is to enter it into the Chocolate Extravaganza put on by the Pastry Professionals of Minnesota this weekend. With my track record I think I may do better walking it over to the convention center instead of driving it. Don't bad things come in three? Wish me luck on getting inside in one piece.

Fred the Scorpion

Meet fred, the scorpion shaped cake that I made for my godson's 4th birthday (see what happens when you let the 4 year old choose the theme?). He came with rice krispy tail and claws, light blue cake guts and heath bar crunch buttercream.

Unfortunately a bout of flu and strep throat prevented him from enjoying this very boyish cake. What to do? Let a teacher friend bring it to school (even if it was 6 days old). See what happens when you leave free food out in the teachers lounge?

Opening Day

Here it is, opening day of 350° Bakery. It recieved rave reviews (from the AI staff and stoned students that really needed a snack) and looks to be the hottest thing on 4th floor. So tier one!



Look closely and you'll see that some things never change. Yes, I'm the one doing dishes. Can you believe I posted a photo of myself!

Falling Back

Not daylight savings time... falling back into my old life of branding, marketing and design. Hi, my name is Stephanie and I'm addicted to making things look amazing and being better than everyone else. Is there a meeting for this? Sign me up because I need help.

My final class is production baking, basically we run a bakery on campus from 7:30 to 11:00 am and sell everything from breakfast sandwiches, scones, muffins, cookies, cupcakes to puppy chow and pizza. Besides developing the menu options, part of the class is to decide on a name, create a logo and come up with a marketing plan. You see it coming don't you.

This class includes everyone in our current graduation cycle—EVERYONE—so needless to say there was a tier one meeting (have I not explained the tier system that naturally develops in all social environments?) to strategize. The last thing we needed was chatty kathy who kept telling us she would go into anaphylactic shock if she breathed in pepper smell while eating pepper laden food making any decisions. Not going to happen. Tier one went into full swing, we were determined to have an entire plan ready from menu to marketing by day one.

Here's where I fell hard back into my old life. I took on the naming, logo, packaging, marketing and overall look and feel of the bakery. I had almost two weeks, piece of cake (yeah, I said piece of cake). On day one I had a complete visual presentation including 5 name & logo options, 3 sample posters, 2 sample labels, frequent buyer card, signage program, advertising plan and a basic color palette. Shocked faces, they didn't know what to say. Welcome to the first lesson on how to professionally present and sell your ideas. Take notes people.

Needless to say Chef put me in charge of the PR committee and I became the creative director and marketing director in one. So here it is, the production bakery name for the class that is always "setting the standards" (according to many of the chef's).

Something New

Here it is in all it's glory. I'm very pleased with how it turned out. It is truly a fussy, overwrought Louis XIV style cake that I think captures the look and feel I was going for. It received the ultimate compliment when a former chef's said it was exactly the style of cake that Carême himself would have created. Look him up, can't really be in better company.

The grade. Well, even though I thought it was pretty close to perfect it received 245 out of 250, not bad for the second wedding cake I've ever made. Here's the rest of the class (click on it for a closer look).

Day 4

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. I've already done the blue so today was something new. I created a pleated ruffle at the bottom of my cake. Sounds easy doesn't it.

Hard to imagine one 2" pleated ruffle circling the bottom layer would take 3 hours to complete. 3 solid hours, and that doesn't count the time I took yesterday creating the card stock pattern mold. 3 hours of roll, place, crimp, dry, crimp some more, dry, place on the cake, glue, arrange, ruffle and sigh.

What did I learn? Charge double for the pleated ruffle.

Homework

In the spirit of testing everything out I have diligently been doing some homework that has turned into pieces I think I'll use on my cake. Gumpaste flowers. Made by rolling out gumpaste, cutting, thinning and ruffling the edges, shaping (some in grace's antique fostoria sorbet glasses... we're baptists, we don't have champagne glasses), assembling and pinning into some extra Styrofoam forms.

Next, what color shimmer dust should I accent them with? It's the adult version of glitter and I can't get enough.

Day 3

I did everything different today. Different uniform, different rolling pin, different surface, different mindset. I was going to succeed today and cover my bottom two forms with fondant hell or high water. I can do this. Music. It's not often I plug in to the ipod but today I did. Loud. Good old fashioned rock. Queen, Bon Jovi and even a little Blink 182.

Please Lord, just let me get this done with some level of success.

I did it. All three forms are now covered in prussian blue fondant with a nice fabric inspired texture. I even got the board covered as a bonus. The cake is stacked and ready to decorate. Down, but not out. I'm back.

Day 2

God is a fair God. You do something well and gloat about it, praise yourself and look out, it always comes back around. You'll pay for it, trust me.

The next step in my cake process was wrapping my three Styrofoam layers with the colored fondant, easy enough. I've wrapped plenty of cakes and on practice day I had no issues whatsoever, this will be a snap... or so I thought.

Top layer... roll out the fondant, check. Add a little corn syrup to the Styrofoam to get it to stick, check. Lay the fondant on the center of the, wait, nononono no no, not there, it's sticking, I can't pull it up! what the F! Ugh, crap, now it's peeling in chunks. Get it off, get if off!!!! It won't come up. ok, I'm done. it's a mess. what do I do?! One 6" Styrofoam cake covered in lumps of fondant. That's what I get for gloating about my perfect color.

Top layer, round 2.... Smooth out the hot mess I created in round 1, check. Roll out the fondant, check. Skip the devil corn syrup that sticks to everything. Lay the fondant on top and smooth over, check. Seal the bottom with a little syrup, check. Phew. I got it done with just a few minor imperfections.

Ok, I'm going to try one more.

Middle layer... roll out fondant, check. Lay fondant on center of form and smooth out, check. Smooth out and trim excess, check. Seal the bottom... wait, crap, what!!! I leaned into the form and gouged the top edge perfectly with my coat buttons. Too deep to smooth, I have to start over. That's it, I'm done for the day. I told you, he's a fair God.

Day 1

On Monday we started working on the final project by coloring our fondant (if necessary) for the bases of our cakes. I did. Of all the parts, pieces and tasks of my cake this was the one I was least worried about. After all, I've been color matching for decades (and getting paid to do it).

If I can get china to print PMS542 blue correctly on thousands of cards (and mind you, it took years to get to that point including two trips to that food-forsaken country) I can color 6 pounds of fondant to match my paint chip.



Done. Perfect. "Right on the nuggies" as an old printer friend used to say. I was pretty proud of myself. God would get me back for the pride, just you wait. But on my checklist of tasks the first item is done and I am on my way.

It has begun!

The reason I came to school, cake decorating. I'm 4 weeks and and starting on the final project, a 3 tier wedding cake of my own design. I really struggled with a, I don't have an ultimate cake design in my head (just like I have no plan, no goals, but that's a whole other topic). I need a style, theme, dress, flower choice, location and then I can create.

So I bought some magazines and came up with three designs:
1. Mid-century modern, a nod to mad men with it's clean, modern lines and a dress that reminds me slightly of Pantsy (my mom). Inspired by layered graphics, a wooden console that reminded me of our old hi-fi (that's a record player for all of you born after 1970) and a pair of stylized owls done in modeling chocolate.


2. Modern Petals, based on this amazing Monique Lhuillier dress I found with a cascade of petals. Simple in design but difficult in execution. As you can see I love the concept of a floral pommander (that flower ball thing) on top. I've been obsessed with them for years.


3. Louis XIV Gone Mad. It's hard to grow up in the house I did and not have hidden somewhere a love for this style. Grace loved it. French provencial, Queen Anne, and all the Louis. I had pulled these pillows and settee out of a magazine years ago and stashed it in my "cool things" folder (doesn't everyone have one of these?) knowing I would use this inspiration someday. I found a dress that matched and the formal, fancy french concept was complete.


I reviewed the concepts with my Chef and I knew what she would choose, not only because of style but of difficulty. I'll let you guess for a bit and feel free to chime in on your favorite.

I started it this week, and it's due next and you know it needs to be perfect in all aspects so I'll try to keep you updated on progress as we go. After all, this is the culmination of my journey, making a cake that can be sold as a professional work. Did I just have a goal? Phew. Maybe I'm not as broken as I thought I was.

Spicolli Returns

Fast times at Art Institutes. Yesterday we had spicolli in class and he came just short of ordering pizza to ward off the munchies. Yes, my little friend that I named JD gave me the quintessential art school moment. Each of us had to interview a wedding cake bakery, write a paper and then present that paper orally in class yesterday. It's a simple project, the chef gave us the list of 14 questions to ask and have answered, very straight forward. Everything was going well and we were cruising through until JD, he was last, but certainly not least. There he stood, in front of the class with bloodshot eyes and speaking at half speed. "Dude, I totally did my project on so-and-so's because my bro Joe works there, dude. It was awesome. I was stoked to see all the stuff they had." He was 100, one-hundred percent stoned. And if I can point that out you know how obvious it was. There were giggles, smiles and people eventually couldn't look at him for fear of laughing. It almost became sad when the teacher started to point out the missing information, even she gave up so he could finish as soon as possible. As amusing as it was for all of us, we all knew he needed to finish to go snack on something to get through the rest of class. It was finally done and we all took a break, one classmate said all he could do was hear "buffalo soldier" over and over in his head. I think bob himself heard that request because when we returned from break and turned on the radio what did we hear? Yup, Buffalo Soldier. Dude, that was awesome. Sometimes I love these art school kids, they never cease to amuse and amaze.

Better Than Tony

Let me tell you, there is nothing better for boosting your self esteem and self worth than going back to school as an adult. I mean really, having people tell you that you're the best is just great. And (this is the best part) it's not that hard! Yup, it's easy. I don't know why it's so much easier now that when I was 18 but it is. It's amazing how a little work, organization and well designed homework (it's all about making something look pretty) can make you the star of the class. Those kids have just not figured it out yet.

Now, lets remember exactly what and where I'm going to school for: culinary at a school that is currently trying to get accreditation. We're not talking CIA or French Culinary in New York. This is the place where one students answer to "why did you decide on Art Institutes" during orientation was, and I quote: "because I couldn't get into that other school". Yes. We're honest here at AI. Now I don't know if he was referring to Le Cordon Bleu (which I personally couldn't attend just for the fear I'd have to pronounce the french name correctly) or MCAD (which is the snooty-artsy-fartsy design school that I refused to hire anyone from) but the fact he wasn't smart enough to keep that to himself shows you what I'm up against in class. Hence, why I feel so smart. It's like I'm in school with 3rd graders.

I'm in practice school. It's not master program or heaven forbid some fancy doctorate program that you have to work at (just as Lisa and Alicia). I'm in a school that teaches you how to wash your hands so you don't poison people. I actually figured that out in elementary school. The fact I can do that AND make something look good is so above and beyond they just don't know what to do. I mean, I can do dishes without being asked! What, she thinks too? Do you see the pattern here?

No wonder I'm the star. I love being the big fish (literally) in a tiny, tiny, tiny pond. Again, this is the best self-esteem booster I've ever had. It makes up for all those nerd-ridden years of high school where I wasn't even cool enough to be in a tier. I rode the school bus and played the violin, need I say more? Even in college I wasn't aware enough to snap out of it. True, I had friends and came off as the snooty girl from cake-eater land but I wasn't even smart enough to know I was perceived that way, it was just because I was so painfully shy. Here I am, finally, at the ripe age of... well never mind... finally tier one at my school. If only they had prom.

Now, this may be a bit more expensive that attending a Tony R. weekend event, but let me tell you, it's so much better. Not only do you feel good about yourself and have people tell you're amazing, you don't have to walk over coals or be fearful the giant is going to talk to you. I highly recommend this esteem booster to any and all. You too can feel good about yourself in 12 months or less (is that a book title?) and all the while get to eat yummy food. Hi, my name is stephanie and I'm cool. Never thought I'd say that in my lifetime. Well done AI.

My 5 Year Plan

It's finally here, the class I've been waiting for—cake decorating. This was why I decided to go to school, to learn how to make amazing wedding cakes. This was going to be my new direction in life. I love it. I love my class, the chef is great and I'm working with people that are fun and smart, well most of them (the majority of "re-tarders" are in the other section). I think my classmates like me but I've never been good at gauging my popularity at school (shall we discuss me telling everyone in kindergarten they were stupid because they couldn't read? Yeah, that cemented my popularity). I have seen a withering glance or two my direction during practice but let's just hope this shining "late-bloomer" personality (as Jodi calls it) overshadows my spirit-crushing need to be the best.

I finally feel like I could do this, for real. Not just some dorky girl in a kitchen making a birthday cake for a friend on the weekend but for real (translation: I can charge money). Really? I'm not ready for this, I like playing at school, this is my happy-fun time. I don't want to be a part of the working world getting a paycheck and contributing. Yuk. I like learning and making things and having people tell me I'm great. You just don't get that very often in the real world.

A friend of mine asked what my 5 year plan was (he was technically asking about my 5 year car plan but disguised it as caring about my life) and I was stumped. I don't have one. Never have. Now I'm panicking because I know I need one. What am I going to do? Do I have the guts to go out on my own or should I take the safe route and get a job. And that's assuming I can get a job, who wants to hire some old lady? Ugh. When did pantsy crawl into my head and start talking? Snap out of it Kissner! Cakes, the whole reason this blog exists, to be creative with my favorite thing (food, I mean have you looked at me recently?) and make people happy. There's got to be a place out there that wants to do the same, right? I'll find it. But in the mean time I'm open for suggestions on that 5 year plan.